Dear my nameless, faceless Ba

Dear my nameless, faceless Ba,

Can you hear me?

I haven’t spoken to you, or written, in a year. Life feels hard again. What is it about this time of year?

I wish I had known you, your name, your face. In my mind you’re stood still, your sari is catching the breeze. The hem of your skirt licks the dust as you turn away.

I wonder if you’re proud of me. Of my siblings, my cousins, my aunt, my father? What would you make of us? What would you think of this mess we made?

You seem to hold part of that missing piece for me. I’m not sure which piece it is.

I often speak to you, I’ve no idea if you hear me. But it feels good. It feels good to look up into that enormous sky flecked with starlings and I wonder if you once looked up at the same piece of sky when you walked this earth.

– Saffron

Drenched in sepia sadness

I’m sitting outside in the dark warmth of the early morning. I can’t sleep, my mind is back tracking to those early years with Mum and Dad. A montage of childhood memories drenched in sepia sadness is on loop behind my eyes. Xavier is peaceful inside, he always sleeps well, breathing heavily, blissfully unaware.

I slipped out silently, and crept outside to breathe a little. My plan is that Xavier will wake and realise I’m missing, he’ll find me out here, he’ll run his fingers through my hair and hold me, and the memories will wash away. 

My dream of a family and a home, though somewhat stereotypical, has really set recently. I’ve always wanted boys, perhaps because the women in my life are so unpredictable. But I’m terrified of ending up like my Mother. Cold and detached, at breaking point every day, weak. She was never able to fully love us.

All of a sudden Xavier is outside. He’s woken to an empty bed and stumbled out here. I’m telling him not to worry, but he’s not interested in my protests. His arms are around me, hands running through my hair, pulling me close. 

I’m concentrating on breathing. In and out. I won’t make the same mistakes my parents made. I have Xavier. He is my warmth, my goodness, my strength.

– Saffron

Numb

I’ve been feeling numb lately. I can see things, but I can’t quite see them. I can hear things around me, but I don’t actually hear them. I can touch but I can’t quite feel.

My plan for Christmas was to visit all the family. Xavier’s family on Christmas Day, Dad on Boxing Day and Mum on Christmas Eve. Perfectly planned out.

But this week Mum texted to say she’d made plans to spend Christmas Eve in the city with her friend. But that we could meet later in the afternoon. I had a feeling it was too perfect. And this was so in keeping with her character, I don’t know why I was so shocked. 

The fact is, I am never a priority. I can’t keep “fitting” myself into her schedule. I’m not a business client or an item she needs to tick off her to-do list. I’m her daughter. 

She doesn’t communicate honestly, she’s a coward and she holds this power over me. It’s like having a dick boyfriend that treats you like dirt, but you keep running back to him and clinging onto him because he’s all you know. Except she’s my mother. I’m desperate for her love and affection. And she takes advantage of that.

So I’ve deleted her off my Facebook. Ha. The next step is to tell her all of this.

– Saffron