Tag: train

Another autumn

So I’ve passed the biggest milestone I’ve set myself. The Master’s is finished and I’m moved back home. So what now? Literally, what now?

I’m sitting in the park as I write, as I always do this time of year. The leaves are changing from green to gold, as they always do, and the air is turning cool, as it always does. And like last year, I feel myself filling with excitement. The unknown that lies ahead isn’t quite as terrifying as I thought it might be. I’m feeling daring. I want to keep pushing myself.

The dark figure hasn’t shown himself for a while. His long lanky limbs and blurred face don’t hover behind me as they used to. He doesn’t sit quietly in my bedroom waiting for me to wake. And I think I may even be missing him.

I can feel the pull back to the city and I’m sure I’ll be commuting again, and life will speed up as it always does. But for now, I want to enjoy the changing colours of the leaves and the warm afternoon sun before autumn gives way to the cold and damp of winter.

Change #1

So this is it. These few years are coming to a swift end. This week will be as chaotic as any other, and next week I will have closed this chapter.

When I started this journey I was splitting at the seams. Sometimes I still do. But I found solace in these train tracks. I found solace in the dark mornings, when the mist hung over the hills. I didn’t give up in the face of my darkness. I pushed on until the light broke through. So now, this commute, and the journey I found in it, feels more than just a route to work. It’s something closer to home. I found my strength in this journey.

I’m sure the next chapter holds another journey, all too similar.

– Saffron

Strangely Warm

I feel strangely warm when I’m with Rob on the train into the City.

Even when if we don’t get to sit with each other during the busy rush hour. Just sitting and knowing he’s on the same carriage is strangely comforting. 

It’s the same comfort that Xavier gives me. That warm, soft, round comfort. It stops my sharp edges from poking out.

My journeys have improved a lot over the last few weeks. But still platonic and still faithful.

– Saffron

The Men in My Life: Part Two

This week my therapist and I discussed my relationships with men. Following the recent developments with Rob, I found myself talking about crushes I had as a teenager.

My most intense and enduring crush was between the ages of 14 and 18. It started in Science. I was moved away from my friends, and sat next to Michael. Some punishment that was. Michael and I quickly became good friends. He was tall and goofy, as 14 year old boys are. I laughed at all has jokes and for the first time I wished I had Science more often.

Michael lived round the corner from me, so our friendship grew out of the classroom and took the form of walking to school and eating lunch together. Our friendship groups merged and we spent most of those school years together. I think it was obvious at the time that we both liked each other. But neither of us had the courage to admit it. So time passed, the trees turned orange twice over, our Science classes changed, and our friends grew apart. 

My feelings never changed, and a few years later after some persuasion from my (very persuasive) friend, I decided to tell Michael. Of course, as all of these teenage attempts go, it ended in humiliation and disappointment. I think Michael probably felt humiliated too, not least because of how profusely he denied it.

But I regretted this for years to come. Even while I had other boyfriends, and even into my twenties, I still think back to those Science classes, and kick myself for not admitting how much I cared about Michael. 

I dragged that regret around with me for years. So now I still find myself trying to finish up what Michael and I never finished. Whether it was with Jake, Xavier or now with Rob. I am endlessly trying to tighten those loose ends, so I can leave my regret behind.
– Saffron

Rob: time stops

I always feel like I’m irritating or grotesque when I try to approach men. So I’ve successfully ignored and avoided most men I find attractive, despite the burning desire not to. Lost opportunity always felt easier than rejection.
But last Friday I was riding a wave of confidence after a good day at work. Asking for the time happened to be a great conversation starter (how often does that happen?). Let’s call the lovely man on the train Rob. I saw Rob on the journey into London this morning. I haven’t told him about Xavier. But there’s nothing to suggest that our relationship is anything but platonic.

But there’s something in the way he speaks, the way he looks, the way he smiles when he remembers something. He makes time stop. 

Shit.

– Saffron

18:54

Remember that lovely looking man I see on my commute everyday? Same station, same carriage, same time?

I spotted him on my way home, waiting at the station. Picture this…

The train is delayed, and the snow storm is getting heavier. Im freezing. But it’s Friday, and I’m glad to be going home, I’ve been looking forward to the weekend since Monday. He looks impatient, but I catch him notice me as he always does. His face relaxes. He looks gorgeous today.
The journey is long and boring. The train is too bright inside and the hills that roll past outside are blanketed in darkness. I wish I could see the city morph into countryside. Watch the cement and brick crumble and melt into rivers and fields. I sit opposite him, but I’m too shy to look up. Instead, I steal glances when he’s looking away. My book is dull, and I’m distracted anyway. I cross and uncross my legs. 

The train gradually clears, eventually leaving only a few people in the carriage. Our gazes lock for a split second, before I blink and glance away. But something in me stirs. I have a boyfriend, and his family adore me, my family adores him, we’re stable and serious. But this man on this train is far more interesting and far more exciting than Xavier. 

He’s strong, he’s good looking, he reads, and he commutes. From 0-90, I switch my phone off, look up and ask him, What’s the time? I know the time, I’ve just checked it on my phone. It’s 1854.

He looks up, startled, and instinctively looks at his watch. Almost seven o’clock he says. I smile and say thank you, what else can I possible say now? He’s answered my question, so that’s it. He hesitates, Doesn’t your phone have the time? I look up, and smile at him, Yes it does.

– Saffron

Somewhere between the sunlight and the chasing river I lose my soul

Sometimes I feel smug that I have such a stunning journey into the city.

Getting the train at 7am has its perks. In the winter, the fields are glittered with frost. As the sun rises, the orange leaves on the turning trees glow, casting shadows on the soft hills. The river chases along the train tracks, cutting through hedges and fences. Steam gently rises, as the cold air hits the water.

I get lost in all of this. Somewhere between the sunlight and the chasing river I lose my soul. It breathes the bitter air and dives off that train.

– Saffron